Pessimistic

Why is it that I can't go to sleep before 4:30 AM?

Why will not a drop of rain hit the pavement on days when I lug my big umbrella around after seeing rain forecast on the news, but the one time I hurry out my door without any rain gear, I get soaked?

How did I manage to get seated by the girl who can't count silently, but who must actually say to herself Fourteen times two is twenty-eight, and who, when the professor announces, "We're starting Chapter 3," must mumble, "You're kidding, right?"?

Why do the post office people declare, "I can't find your package," like they expect me to climb behind the counter and find it?

Why is my mother so retarded that she can't remember that I hate peanut M&Ms and that I don't eat almonds? Furthermore, why did she wrap my care package in Christmas paper turned inside out and with double-stick tape?