MySpace Observations

A . If you're not beautiful, posting pictures of expensive cars, celebrities, or pets does not distract anyone. Get a nicely Photoshopped headshot and be done with it.

B . Morbid obesity + seeking a mate who has an "athletic build" is just sad. Either delete/skip those quiz questions or be realistic. Everyone who reads your fantasy responses will judge you.

C . Never use photos in which you're wearing white on top! Remember: darker colors on the largest part of your body--monochromatic dressing is even more slimming.

D . Do not use page or element transparency! No one can read anything at 40% opacity.

E . Do not have eighteen photo slideshows, seven videos, and two songs embedded into your page. Few people have the patience or bandwidth to load all of that unnecessary stuff.

F . Adding attractive people whom you barely know to your Top 8 is sad. They know you're not really friends, and so does everyone else.

G . Spell check. Please.

H . Being a martyr is not sexy--e.g., posting a photo of yourself with the caption I'm so ugly. Don't you think?

I . Spell words out. It takes just as much energy to type "wutz" as "what's." Only foreign students and small children spell phonetically.

And finally...Tips for People with Double Chins and Other Maladies
1 - Practice your facials in a mirror before any camera is in sight.
2 - Open your eyes the slightest bit wider than normal.
3 - Know your limits. Not everyone needs to show teeth.
4 - Lift your chin and gently twist or tilt your head to smooth and flatten.
5 - Try to be photographed from an angle above your eye level.
6 - Don't be afraid of a little concealer--or a lot of Photoshop.
7 - Always take several pictures so you can later throw out the bad versions.
8 - Drop your shoulders, suck in your tummy, tighten your ass, and twist at the waist. Never allow yourself to be photographed in full frontal view!