Mmm...Crazy

In addition to the usual nametag and apron, I think the Quiznos employees here in Oxford must be given little baggies of crack when they're hired, because every time I go in there something stupid happens.

Tonight the girl making my sandwich asked me about my eyebrow piercing, and we began chatting about places in and near Oxford where piercings and tattoos are done. When I mentioned a particular parlor and the negative things I'd heard about them, she was like, "Oh yeah, I know. Look at this," and then proceeded to take off her gloves, pull up her shirt, and show me the ugliest tattoo I've seen in a hot minute: badly aligned on her lower abdomen, in an awful state prison-chic font, are the words "Eye Candy." She then looks at me and says, "It's ugly, ain't it?"

All I could do was cock my head to the side, look up at the menu board, and mumble something nonspecific. Some people have WAY too much self-esteem for their own good.

High School

After doing a little MySpace surfing, I have concluded that I indeed went to high school with an enormous amount of white trash--people who marry their third cousin by age twenty, pop out a handful of hideous kids, and ultimately lead dull, stagnant lives. I'd rather have my eyes dug out with spoons than that mentality. (PS: That whole "I don't do crystal meth; I just look like this" aesthetic is not cute. I'm gone need them to stop that.)

Conversely, I did experience a moment of joy. I found the profile of a guy who graduated a year before me, and although none of my girl friends ever gave him a second thought, I always thought he was super cute. Well, I was right! He's fucking gorgeous now, having really grown into his "look." I feel like I have some sixth sense that detects pretty people before their bloom. Yay for me.

A Truth

Coming into my apartment, making a mess, and then leaving with the expectation that I will clean up after you is one of the surest ways to piss me off make me hate you.

I am not anyone's maid.

MySpace Observations

A . If you're not beautiful, posting pictures of expensive cars, celebrities, or pets does not distract anyone. Get a nicely Photoshopped headshot and be done with it.

B . Morbid obesity + seeking a mate who has an "athletic build" is just sad. Either delete/skip those quiz questions or be realistic. Everyone who reads your fantasy responses will judge you.

C . Never use photos in which you're wearing white on top! Remember: darker colors on the largest part of your body--monochromatic dressing is even more slimming.

D . Do not use page or element transparency! No one can read anything at 40% opacity.

E . Do not have eighteen photo slideshows, seven videos, and two songs embedded into your page. Few people have the patience or bandwidth to load all of that unnecessary stuff.

F . Adding attractive people whom you barely know to your Top 8 is sad. They know you're not really friends, and so does everyone else.

G . Spell check. Please.

H . Being a martyr is not sexy--e.g., posting a photo of yourself with the caption I'm so ugly. Don't you think?

I . Spell words out. It takes just as much energy to type "wutz" as "what's." Only foreign students and small children spell phonetically.

And finally...Tips for People with Double Chins and Other Maladies
1 - Practice your facials in a mirror before any camera is in sight.
2 - Open your eyes the slightest bit wider than normal.
3 - Know your limits. Not everyone needs to show teeth.
4 - Lift your chin and gently twist or tilt your head to smooth and flatten.
5 - Try to be photographed from an angle above your eye level.
6 - Don't be afraid of a little concealer--or a lot of Photoshop.
7 - Always take several pictures so you can later throw out the bad versions.
8 - Drop your shoulders, suck in your tummy, tighten your ass, and twist at the waist. Never allow yourself to be photographed in full frontal view!