Quote Me, Bitches

While reading through some of my older posts, I realized how absolutely fucking funny I am, so I compiled some of my favorite tidbits, deep thoughts, and outbursts for all of you, my dear readers, to cherish this holiday season.

July 29, 2004
Our house is only skin and bones now; a lot of stuff was moved this afternoon: couches, tables, dining room table, chairs, my chest of drawers, etc. It's so weird, like watching a videotape while it rewinds. I remember how the house started out empty, and then we filled it. Now we're going in reverse.

October 21, 2004
I've decided that Ole Miss is my university. That brochure that I received must have been laced with something addictive because ever since I read through it, I've had my sights set.

October 24, 2004
The hush puppies alone were worth having to take that damned ACT.

October 27, 2004
I feel dirty. Not in the Xtina way, either.

January 3, 2005
I was mean to people at school today. It felt good.

February 8, 2005
I was literally eating ribs and bar-b-q sauce in the car on the way home. We fatties certainly are inventive when it comes to new ways of eating while driving.

February 10, 2005
The final straw was when they were talking about not going to Wicked but to Rent! Don't nobody come between me and my musical theatre.

April 1, 2005
I fear that I'll live in awkwardness with a drunken moron.

May 29, 2005
My dormroom [is] going to look like a gay pinata exploded.

July 9, 2005
Though I'm sad to admit it, I'm watching Being Bobby Brown. He is so stupid that it's disgusting. If I were Whitney or his poor daughter, I would poison his ass.

July 10, 2005
I just love how my mother wakes me up by stating the time like I don't have one of those "clock" things with the big red numbers on it.

July 16, 2005
Having just returned from eating dinner at my aunt's house, I now smell like I've been doused through and through with chicken grease. Such is the life of a fat kid living in the South.

August 5, 2005
Now, on one hand, I'm like "Yeah, finally--my very own stalker!" but on the other, I don't take well to being awakened at 2:30 AM.

August 16, 2005
I'm a happy camper--except for the fact that I dropped an f-ing CAN OF SOUP on my left big toenail. I almost cried right there in the paper goods isle.

August 22, 2005
Some of these guys up here have big fiveheads. What's the deal?

August 23, 2005
I'm a diva, so I put the Purse in the seat next to me so no one would be confused and sit there.

September 15, 2005
To make matters worse, this LOUD WHISPERY BITCH behind me kept saying the answers under her breath before anyone else could say anything.

I haven't eaten today. Does that make me skinny?

September 24, 2005
I discovered that someone had indeed MOVED my clothes to another dryer. I felt invaded, infringed upon--but most of all, I felt the need to KILL! How dare someone move my shit? For someone to go into the dryer, touch my ladythings, and physically move them to another dryer is just indecent.

September 29, 2005
I just murdered my first chemistry test (and not in a cute way).

October 11, 2005
I'm a lazy bitch. I've dealt with it and moved on.

October 17, 2005
I went all fat kid and got the Tour of Italy: lasagna, chicken parmesan, and fettuccini alfredo, all of which were wonderful. I was in nirvana by the time I got back into my car (not to mention a few hundred pounds heavier).

These guys who waltz into the bathroom, pee, and then leave without washing their hands are so disgusting. If only they knew that I'm keeping a list of names that will be published at end of term--everyone will know about their absolutely unhygienic habits!

October 19, 2005
I totally giggled inwardly when the president was reading and saying things like, "They call you queer--faggot--dyke." I was thinking to myself Oh, it sounds like home!

Those were the good old days, being the big fag on campus, walking around with my girls and talking and laughing like hyenas, spreading gossip and discord throughout the land. How I do miss high school sometime.

November 9, 2005
A monument in honor of Chick-fil-a should be erected in Washington, D.C., right on the Mall.

December 18, 2005
Curse my laziness and disregard for parking restrictions!